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.. people who died in my arms ... decisions I should have made ... the way it felt ... that rush of combat and death and blood and fear and the thrill of the fight ... it can be overwhelming."Willow was quiet a while, staring out into the dense trees surrounding them. "I worry about that, Dad. Sometimes ... I feel it in me ... I know it's there ... like a shadow ... growing thicker and darker. I'm scared of it." She exhaled slowly, calming herself. "Imps I can kill. And I can face my own death. Those don't scare me anymore ... but what's in there," she said, tapping her head, "I'm scared I can't control it." I thought I could ... for a long time. I didn't notice what was going on, when I ... went away ... Linh noticed ... I think it scared her, at first ... but she didn't let it scare her away, and she didn't make me aware of it until we got to Denver ... I think it was time, then. She seemed to know, and she told me what she saw me do, the way I stared and muttered. I didn't really. There were times recently when I would masturbate three or four times a day and I would always feel guilty afterwards. I guess it goes back to when I was sixteen and still a virgin, my mother was still telling me that sex was dirty and should only be used to have children, not pleasure. I didn’t believe it for a minute because my friends told me how great it was. A year later when I lost my virginity and started having regular sex with an older and more experienced boyfriend, I liked the feelings I had when I was being fucked. It got to where I wanted it a lot. There were guys always willing to help. It wasn’t great for my reputation, but I had no intentions of sticking around much anyway.” “When you were working the clubs” I answered a little naively. “Didn’t you get some sort of sexual release? You certainly had plenty of opportunity.” “Not really; for a couple of reasons. First, I didn’t choose the guy. There was no dance beforehand, in the courting sense, so it was work not play..
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